Finishing line

 I am now writing this at 8 months 3 weeks and 5 days or 40 weeks 5 days. I am due to give birth in 2 days! Baby is kicking like mad, it feels like he/she has run out of room! I am feeling ok, despite not being able to get up from chairs very elegantly, my walk is now officially a waddle, I am weeing whatever I drink as soon as I drink it and my weight gain has tripled in the last 3 weeks. My face, arms and thighs are so round and flabby I feel so unattractive. Nick has been good at telling me that I look glowing, but even he couldn’t resist telling me how fat my ankles looked the other day! Then I realised my rings are a bit tight too, I have hit the ‘swollen’ phase. I read that most of it is water retention; I really hope so, because if it’s fat then I have some work to do when baby is out! Everyone around me is buzzing with excitement.

Although I was exhausted a week ago, I still can’t help but go into overdrive and get jobs done. I mowed the lawn the other day, hovered the stairs and still couldn’t resist the ironing! People can’t believe I am up and about, walking into town and getting things done, it’s just in me to keep busy. At night, I stay pretty much glued to the couch, mainly because it is such a chore to get up but also because my body is saying ‘for god’s sake have a rest!’ Everyone is asking if I am ready. I think to myself, the room is ready, I have everything I need but mentally, am I ready for this? I am not so sure! Everyone says once you see your baby you fall in love and you know just what to do. I am worried that this won’t happen to me. I have been told however that these feelings are normal. What if I get bored of looking after it? What if I need help but won’t admit it or accept it? I am a very stubborn and independent person, which can defiantly be a flaw! I also feel sad that it won’t just be Nick and I anymore; will this baby ruin our wonderful relationship? Will it cause us to argue and bicker over the smallest things that turn into major things? Or on the other hand, will it bring us closer together, as a family, will he come home from work more to see us and spend time with us?

I have a midwife appointment today and they said they will talk about ‘sweeping’ and encouraging labour. This got me worrying about something else. I have accepted that labour will be painful, and I am ready for it, but what if this baby kills me? What if I die giving birth? I try and imagine looking into my baby’s eyes after giving birth and feeling this overwhelmingly amazing feeling of love for it, I just pray this happens and Nick is by my side feeling the same.